of origins and scandals

I feel like I'm in yet another mood swing again today...
I feel undecided whether I concider myself to be talented or untalented.
I'm not sure whether people are sometimes jealous of me or do they look down on me
I don't know whether i am judging my talents from a correct perspective.Maybe I'm just visualising my talent to be the same as the people I idolise,or am I judging myself fairly?

I'm always very unsure.
I guess it was that self evaluation form given by the college about our strengths and weaknesses in art to help us choose a major.I realised I don't know how to answer the questions.maybe I don't really know my own art style or maybe I know it too well until I am unsure of how to answer questions about my strenghts and weaknesses in a simple way.

The only thing i'm sure about is that I don't want people to think that I was born with a 'flair' in art (or whatever it is).I mean,there is no such thing as being born with talents pre installed.That's why people say that everybody is born an artist,the problem is how to maintain that artisticness through to adulthood.What matters is interest.i feel that some people might not realise that my artwork used to suck big time (not claiming that I am talented now either.If you want to see real talent,refer to my recommended links list.Now THAT's talent) but I worked hard through my childhood to get to where I am now.In my opinion it isn't even about the priviledge of getting to go to art class from an early age.Art class can just teach you so much,but any more than that requires your own initiative.

I remember when I was in Form 2 I got interested in manga.At first I did not know even a little bit about it.I learnt through copying comic book drawings repetitively everday,keeping sketchbook after sketchbook of my manga studies.I also observed mangakas that I admired and looked at traits that I liked particularly,wanting to join all the good parts to make my own style.After that I wrote a long storyline for a comic and proceeded to draw that to build my own style little by little.That was about maybe 4 hours of work everday after school.I remember that it was quite a big amount of time each day because I used to listen to a radio while I drew and I could hear some songs being played over and over again.

Besides manga,in Form 4 I got a new art teacher,a graduate from TOA.She was more encouraging and let me experiment with various media and materials,compared to my previous teacher that was only concerned about the art class's tradition of purely watercolour painting( In art class I learnt crayons,which is only for the primary school kids, for 3 years and watercolours for 5 years).From that time onwards I trained myself in figure studies,poster painting,dabbled in oil painting etc. i was particularly fond of figure studies.My teacher had a very fat 'Guess?' catalogue magazine full of good references and she let me borrow it.So at that time I worked hard and did many pieces,anything that I thought would be challenging or an opportunity for me to learn something new.I guess i was opportunistic in my approach to learning art and that probably helped me the most,not some so called pre programmed talent.

Hmm...I still feel confused.I feel like I'm unintentionally calling myself talented and at the same time thinking i'm not.
It's just that I do actually live by the moto "attitude,not aptitude determines altitude".I work hard for everything I have and I want people to know that,that's all,I guess.And most of all I want people to recognise that,and yes,that part does have something to do with my frustration with my deviantArt popularity.But my whole rant was not about dA,it's general.

Sigh...

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In other news,today we met Pinky,our copywriting lecturer,for the first time.Today was more of an introduction.It seems that she used to work for a local radio company.Then,because she used to help promote concerts for artistes,she told us this inside story of a particular celebrity that still makes me feel very uneasy.It was about this paedophile singer (I think by that word you can guess who it is).My E1 classmates,you don't have to read any further,you know the rest.

She told us that when this singer came to KL to perform a long time back,he and his crew were booked on the top floor of a hotel in KL.Then,before arriving in KL,the singer's manager called to ask the Malaysian event organisers for a special request for this singer.The request was to prepare 5 boys between 11~13 years old,preferably of various races,to be send to the singer's room for some 'fun',in his words,but I (and Pinky)doubt that it is for regular childish fun.The request was fulfilled,and the children's parents were paid USD5000 each to keep quiet about the 'special request'.

It makes me feel sick to think about the habits of some celebrities and how they can just get away with it with their status and some money.And this time it is not one of Anisa's random incest jokes,this is real life...